Bingeing – just another part of my journey

For two days in a row I ate approximately +4000 calories a day, not something I’m proud of to admit. I’m sharing this because I want to show that we all have our struggles. Social media can make it look like it’s all going so easy for everyone but you. Keep in mind that you only see of others what they choose to show you!

It’s easy to say after bingeing like this ‘I hate my self’ and to feel sorry for yourself for being so uncontrolled but I won’t. I do have to say that I felt horrible about myself, thankfully that feeling is gone now. I’m making it my duty to find the deeper problem.

How it started

Two days ago it was kings day and the city was literally filled with food stands, the smell was hypnotizing but I resisted. It all started the other day with the cake. While making it I had so much self-control, during the 1 hour car drive with the cake on my lap nothing happened either, and even when I served the cake I didn’t take a piece. What I did do though was eat the chocolate and that’s how it started.

The thing with binge eating is that actually, at least for me, you don’t even really enjoy the food. Usually what I eat is disappointing but it won’t stop me from eating. Especially if you’re an emotional eater it’s difficult to stop since the eating is making you feel bad about yourself and thus you eat to ‘forget’ this but in the end it makes you feel worse. It’s a vicious circle.

Recent eating habits

Lately I’ve been eating really clean and the last two weeks I’ve been extremely strict not allowing myself any treats. Looking back at this now I realize that this was a mistake.

The danger of treats though is that once you’ve had one it’s so easy to take another, that’s why I eliminated them. Once you’ve started this you’ll convince yourself that since the ‘damage’ is done anyway you can just as well have some more unhealthy things.

The worst part is, in my opinion, that I actually haven’t eaten what I really like. All of my favorite foods weren’t in the house because I asked my mum not to buy them because they are way too tempting. This means that I ate a ridiculous amount of unhealthy food which I am intolerant for as well that I didn’t even like.

I’ve noticed that even though I do not have a sweet tooth my cravings are always for sweetness. Those sweet treats always leave me disappointed where savory foods usually leave me satisfied.

What now?

From now on I’ll allow myself to have more treats so I won’t suddenly splurge on practically any kind of food I see. I am actually just going to plan them into my food schedule. Of course there are going to be more moment of weakness, therefore I am going to make a list of foods which are worth ‘cheating’ for. This doesn’t mean I just get to eat them whenever I see them. It means that I won’t be eating other ‘cheat’ foods because I know now that they’re not worth it since I actually don’t enjoy eating them that much.

All of the above was just logical thinking. I’m adding some of my thoughts from during my bingeing sessions. It was written in different parts during the day at my darkest moments, right after I’d just stuffed my mouth full. If you’re not familiar with ‘binge eating’ it might seem completely insane and maybe it’s not that interesting to read. I’m sharing it for the ones who’ve had this problem since it might be identifiable for them.

“Yesterday I went completely crazy and ate a ton load of gluten and lactose filled unhealthy foods. I made my grandparents the anniversary cake of which I didn’t eat at first but of course in the end I did. after that I plundered my grandfathers never-ending cupboards and ate everything edible I found. I actually got so sick from the gluten and lactose that I could barely walk and felt like throwing up, still I suggested going out for dinner and had more cake. At the end of the day I was so bloated that my sweatpants didn’t even really fit anymore and the pain was unbearable.

You’d think that I’d learnt my lesson, especially since I still felt sick this morning. Imagine a giant hangover, still I went straight to the chocolate and cake. After that I had some grilled cheese sandwiches.

In the shower, the best place to make important live decisions, I realized that I didn’t have to wait for tomorrow to stop this. I could end it right now! If I didn’t, I’d be likely to wake up tomorrow and do the exact same thing as today, start bingeing again. If I didn’t have the self-control this morning, why would I have it tomorrow? I was just procrastinating and lying to myself, this had to stop now. The moment I stepped out of the bathroom though, the smell of my earlier made toast hit me right in the face, please let me be strong.

When I got to the living room I decided I could just have some more candy to end this in a ceremonial way. Then I realized I still had cake left, maybe I should just have some more. I took the piece which was still about the size of a large book and since no one could see me or judge me I just started taking bites. hey if you don’t cut the cake you practically had only one piece right? 

As I am pigging out like crazy I realized how pathetic this was, here I was standing in my kitchen eating from a piece of cake as large as my face claiming to be a ‘healthy’ person. Why was I doing this? Thinking of my life lately I came to the conclusion that I’m actually quite stressed and a lot is changing right now, I don’t like changes. Maybe seeing my grandmas hair getting shaved off yesterday had a bigger impact on my then I thought. It had definitely made me think of how many people had been there, and how many had later lost a loved one. Maybe all I actually needed was a hug and a ‘everything will be all right’. But as I was standing there alone in my kitchen cake was all I had so I took another giant bite. Somehow I managed to put the rest of the cake away and started writing this.

I decided to go to my gym, but of course since my belly was completely bloated from all the gluten and lactose I needed a wide-fit shirt. On my quest to find one I got lost in the kitchen and ate the rest of the cake. As I finished it I wondered why on earth I even ate it, I don’t like cake that much. I could have eaten something I actually like. It’s really just about the idea of eating something, worst is once the cake is gone I try to find something else to eat. Honestly, I’m disgusted by myself. Never have I ever had eating problems like this and it makes me wonder what caused such an outbreak.

Here I am, not being able to go to the gym because I feel so sick from the eating. I’m disappointed in myself and wonder how to make it stop.”

10 thoughts on “Bingeing – just another part of my journey

  1. Heel herkenbaar stuk. Toevallig heb ik deze week echt precies hetzelfde gehad. Vooral het stuk met je helemaal vol stoppen met dingen die je niet eens wil, maar er niks anders in huis is.

    Ik doe met je mee en ga ook mijn cheats aanpassen.

    Like

  2. I Have a horrible habit of binge eating. And another bad habit of mine is if I have a craving for one thing and try to eat something different, if I am not satisfied I will keep eating until I get ‘satisfied’ meaning, what I was craving to begin with. :/

    Sorry what happened, but at least we all go through it and it is okay to recognize it and make changes:)
    I enjoyed the read 🙂

    Like

  3. You are a brave lady. Your writing is honest and direct. I have seen so many patients with eating difficulties and the average person truly cannot understand. People see the “outside” of you. They see an attractive person that is likely intelligent based on your writings. They don’t understand the pain on the inside.
    You know a lot of the right things to do. That is what I call the logical approach. The problem is the logical approach (by itself) is usually not enough to override the emotional component.
    Finding a passion that you can turn to in times of “crisis” is a very effective step. Passion satisfies an emotional need. It is substituting one need for another. Even better, it substitutes an emotional need that rewards in a POSITIVE way with one that’s destructive (binge eating) in nature.
    I apologize for offering suggestions without an invitation, however, I care about people and their happiness. Wishing you all the success possible on your journey.

    Like

  4. so on either side of the world, the problems are the same. We fall in the hole, we realize we are there, and we figure out how to get out. I know you are going to figure this out. My son was at Queens day last year and he had the most amazing time of his life! He was the one in the orange tuxedo!

    Like

  5. What a beautifully written piece. I suffered from a bout of bulimia for 2 years back in 2010-12 I was a horrible binger.
    Keep wearing your courage on your sleeve. Your reaching out and helping others even if you cannot see it because it’s over shadowed by feelings of defeat.
    Thank you for enjoying my letter to the gym.

    Like

  6. It’s like I was reading my own thoughts. Just this weekend I binged a bit on cake, and I do not like very many kinds of cake (this was not one I particularly liked). I’m glad to know there are others like me out there, though I wouldn’t really wish it on anyone, so stay strong and keep working to find ways to combat it.

    Like

  7. Pingback: Loosing control | Imre Çeçen

  8. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your struggle with food, I am going through the same shit and it’s relieving to know that I’m not alone . Also I am really inspired by your progress and I truly would like to congratulate you on this !

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s