For two days in a row I ate approximately +4000 calories a day, not something I’m proud of to admit. I’m sharing this because I want to show that we all have our struggles. Social media can make it look like it’s all going so easy for everyone but you. Keep in mind that you only see of others what they choose to show you!
It’s easy to say after bingeing like this ‘I hate my self’ and to feel sorry for yourself for being so uncontrolled but I won’t. I do have to say that I felt horrible about myself, thankfully that feeling is gone now. I’m making it my duty to find the deeper problem.
How it started
Two days ago it was kings day and the city was literally filled with food stands, the smell was hypnotizing but I resisted. It all started the other day with the cake. While making it I had so much self-control, during the 1 hour car drive with the cake on my lap nothing happened either, and even when I served the cake I didn’t take a piece. What I did do though was eat the chocolate and that’s how it started.
The thing with binge eating is that actually, at least for me, you don’t even really enjoy the food. Usually what I eat is disappointing but it won’t stop me from eating. Especially if you’re an emotional eater it’s difficult to stop since the eating is making you feel bad about yourself and thus you eat to ‘forget’ this but in the end it makes you feel worse. It’s a vicious circle.
Recent eating habits
Lately I’ve been eating really clean and the last two weeks I’ve been extremely strict not allowing myself any treats. Looking back at this now I realize that this was a mistake.
The danger of treats though is that once you’ve had one it’s so easy to take another, that’s why I eliminated them. Once you’ve started this you’ll convince yourself that since the ‘damage’ is done anyway you can just as well have some more unhealthy things.
The worst part is, in my opinion, that I actually haven’t eaten what I really like. All of my favorite foods weren’t in the house because I asked my mum not to buy them because they are way too tempting. This means that I ate a ridiculous amount of unhealthy food which I am intolerant for as well that I didn’t even like.
I’ve noticed that even though I do not have a sweet tooth my cravings are always for sweetness. Those sweet treats always leave me disappointed where savory foods usually leave me satisfied.
From now on I’ll allow myself to have more treats so I won’t suddenly splurge on practically any kind of food I see. I am actually just going to plan them into my food schedule. Of course there are going to be more moment of weakness, therefore I am going to make a list of foods which are worth ‘cheating’ for. This doesn’t mean I just get to eat them whenever I see them. It means that I won’t be eating other ‘cheat’ foods because I know now that they’re not worth it since I actually don’t enjoy eating them that much.
All of the above was just logical thinking. I’m adding some of my thoughts from during my bingeing sessions. It was written in different parts during the day at my darkest moments, right after I’d just stuffed my mouth full. If you’re not familiar with ‘binge eating’ it might seem completely insane and maybe it’s not that interesting to read. I’m sharing it for the ones who’ve had this problem since it might be identifiable for them.
“Yesterday I went completely crazy and ate a ton load of gluten and lactose filled unhealthy foods. I made my grandparents the anniversary cake of which I didn’t eat at first but of course in the end I did. after that I plundered my grandfathers never-ending cupboards and ate everything edible I found. I actually got so sick from the gluten and lactose that I could barely walk and felt like throwing up, still I suggested going out for dinner and had more cake. At the end of the day I was so bloated that my sweatpants didn’t even really fit anymore and the pain was unbearable.
You’d think that I’d learnt my lesson, especially since I still felt sick this morning. Imagine a giant hangover, still I went straight to the chocolate and cake. After that I had some grilled cheese sandwiches.
In the shower, the best place to make important live decisions, I realized that I didn’t have to wait for tomorrow to stop this. I could end it right now! If I didn’t, I’d be likely to wake up tomorrow and do the exact same thing as today, start bingeing again. If I didn’t have the self-control this morning, why would I have it tomorrow? I was just procrastinating and lying to myself, this had to stop now. The moment I stepped out of the bathroom though, the smell of my earlier made toast hit me right in the face, please let me be strong.
When I got to the living room I decided I could just have some more candy to end this in a ceremonial way. Then I realized I still had cake left, maybe I should just have some more. I took the piece which was still about the size of a large book and since no one could see me or judge me I just started taking bites. hey if you don’t cut the cake you practically had only one piece right?
As I am pigging out like crazy I realized how pathetic this was, here I was standing in my kitchen eating from a piece of cake as large as my face claiming to be a ‘healthy’ person. Why was I doing this? Thinking of my life lately I came to the conclusion that I’m actually quite stressed and a lot is changing right now, I don’t like changes. Maybe seeing my grandmas hair getting shaved off yesterday had a bigger impact on my then I thought. It had definitely made me think of how many people had been there, and how many had later lost a loved one. Maybe all I actually needed was a hug and a ‘everything will be all right’. But as I was standing there alone in my kitchen cake was all I had so I took another giant bite. Somehow I managed to put the rest of the cake away and started writing this.
I decided to go to my gym, but of course since my belly was completely bloated from all the gluten and lactose I needed a wide-fit shirt. On my quest to find one I got lost in the kitchen and ate the rest of the cake. As I finished it I wondered why on earth I even ate it, I don’t like cake that much. I could have eaten something I actually like. It’s really just about the idea of eating something, worst is once the cake is gone I try to find something else to eat. Honestly, I’m disgusted by myself. Never have I ever had eating problems like this and it makes me wonder what caused such an outbreak.
Here I am, not being able to go to the gym because I feel so sick from the eating. I’m disappointed in myself and wonder how to make it stop.”