Loosing control

1966069_679126532193834_4819340543604429840_oA couple of weeks ago I wrote about my unexpected bingeing ‘adventure’. Full of confidence I said that it wasn’t going to happen anymore and that I was back on track. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I have to shamefully admit that the last weeks have been a disaster when it comes to my eating habits and I even gained a couple of kilos.

Where did it go wrong? My food schedule is very clear and I followed it without any problems. I ate clean and according to my goals all day. But, as soon as the sun set the demon inside of me came out. Having left only two more hours before getting into bed with a feeling of satisfaction, I ruined it all. Like a maniac I searched the entire kitchen looking for something tasty. Or actually, something edible. It didn’t matter whether what I stuffed myself with was something to my liking. It wasn’t even all ‘unhealthy’, yes folks you can actually binge on fruits too. Eating half a giant watermelon is not something I’d recommend you.

No limits

You’re probably all familiar with ‘cheating’; eating a piece of chocolate at night when you promised yourself you wouldn’t. Well, what I did was something completely different. I’d eat the entire bar within a minute and then, still unsatisfied, start looking for something else to eat. The average amount of calories I ate in those last 2 hours of the days was probably around 2000, ridiculous isn’t it? It left me feeling so sick I thought I was going to throw up.

hate mysefAs I am very dedicated to the lifestyle I have chosen it came to me as a surprise that I had no self control whatsoever. Why on earth would you, at the end of a ‘succesful’ day, sabotage your own progress? I am calling it sabotaging since I knew exactly what I was doing, I did it consciously but without any control to stop it.

Stop it

The turning point came when I realised that I wasn’t only keeping myself from seeing results, but I was ruining the progress I had already made. Gaining 4 kilos wasn’t worth it at all and I knew something had to change. The good news is; I did not miss a single workout. Dedicated as always I managed to get myself to the gym and do what had to be done. Lets hope that I made some gains with all of that massive eating.

I’ve been back on track for almost two weeks now and all of the bingeing weight is gone. I guess that we have to keep on learning from our mistakes and I do not rule out the chance of another binge somewhere in the future. Actually, one happened yesterday and instead of hating myself for it I decided to call it a cheatday.

Eat it all away

My grandmother’s chemo therapy had been going very well and gave us all an optimistic mindset. Then, about a week ago, she got a high fever and a couple of days later she had to be taken into hospital. She’s been there for some days now and with her fever getting higher and doctors who couldn’t find a cause, fear started to arise within the family. Yesterday we went to visit and it stressed me out. I know that I am a stress and emotional eater and thus these kind of happenings really test my self-control.

I don’t regret it since I consciously made the decision to cheat on my diet myself. My grandfather spend over an hour in the kitchen to later serve us a delicious yet bathing in oil and butter dish. For dessert I added extra whipped cream. I know how much my grandfather likes his food and that it makes him happy to see us enjoy it and that was exactly what he needed at that moment. It was not peer pressure but a choice to put someones else’s  happiness first. There’s no need to obsess about your diet and for me this felt like the right decision to make. As of today I am back to my food schedule.

You’re not alone

I am not sharing this for empathy towards me or anything, I got out of the bad spiral purely on my own willpower. I am sharing this because I know that lots of you struggle, maybe in a different way, and sometimes feel alone in this. When I had gained some extra weight I absolutely did not want to post a picture of that online, most of us wouldn’t. We don’t see each other’s struggles because we don’t like to share them with the world, it makes us vulnerable and it’s embarrassing. I want you to know that there’s nothing to be ashamed of and that the road to success has many bumps so buckle up!

I struggled, I fought, but most importantly; I grew.

10 thoughts on “Loosing control

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve been going through the same thing lately and I’m feeling so ashamed, because no one I know can relate or understand what it’s like. I’ve lost weight by having superb control over my diet, and then gained it all back. It’s like you described – you feel so satisfied and proud of yourself, but in a minute all that vanishes away and you attack everything edible in sight. I’m so embarrassed and depressed, but it’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you so much. I wish you the best of luck on your health journey. You look good and I hope you’ll feel good, too.

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  2. It’s coincidence I had just shared a similar story to yours, taking a chance to get perspective on eating habits, both off and on a diet. I recently had to resolve to myself and those around me that when it’s planned to not eat on the diet, like a special night out, a celebration, vacation, family gathering, that those are going to be exceptions, but not cheating. Cheating is when I don’t want to admit it to myself and I’d rather ignore that I am about to eat a bowl of ice-cream in insomnia induced snacking.

    Sure, you’ll be off course for your goals, but life happens. And you won’t be happier being lighter or thinner if you’re depriving yourself or guilting yourself every single day. There are times to indulge, or times to give in. Remind yourself it’s not the normal routine, and it’s whatever percent of your week or month, and plan around it. Plan to compensate responsibly, or just a pause and accept that you won’t be making forward progress. No doubt you’ll still be thinking about which foods you’re eating all along, and just try to make healthier choices (gluten free, low sugar macaroon, over Mrs. Fields chocolate chip cookie). You can pick back up when you know it’s time.

    And you’ll never be done. You might reach your goal weight, or ideal physique, but you’ll always working to keep it. So, look at that never-ending perspective actually be a positive one. There’s always time to move forward. ❤

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  3. Imre, reading your post is like reading about my own life. My binges are usually sugar binges, too. My therapist told me sugar is a mood destabilizer, like alcohol, so it brings you up… Then, when you go down you eat more sugar to keep that “high” even if you don’t like it.

    May be that information will help you in the future. My solution is to just not start down the sugar road in the first place, so far it has worked.

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  4. Thank you for sharing, putting your struggles out there for the world to see takes some serious guts! Being vulnerable and allowing others into your struggle is a major step towards healing not only physically but emotionally in regards to food.
    I have discovered that for me, I cannot diet, as it immediately has the opposite effect, or instant rebellion. I have done it all, dieted to extreme, anorexia when I was young, emotional eating, you name it. Nothing worked, my weight and happiness has been a roller coaster so I said Enough. I’m going to start creating a love relationship with food and eating and stop beating myself up when I indulge. So slowly I am learning to love texture, flavor, sitting down and eating, spending time creating meals that are healthy and loving me inspire of it! I have dropped 2 dress sizes, I don’t weigh either, and have lowered my cholesterol, and blood pressure! So be gentle on yourself, your going through some stressful moments in your life, pat your self on your back when you do stay with your goals and hug yourself extra when you don’t!! Keep up the good work and thank you again for sharing!

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  5. I really hope everything goes well with your grandma, my great grandma is currently in and out of good states. Its always very stressful, because i love her so much. I feel the same way with eating stuff to make other people happy, because my grandma ( great grandmas daughter just to clarify) always tries to make food so that way the whole family can come together to see our great grandma. And all of this makes me have feels so i just eat it to make her happy. But my binges are always a truck load of sugary goodness too.

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  6. It all starts in the mind. Most of my life I eat just to eat. Now I ask myself “Am I truly hungry or do I just want to eat?” There’s no way any of us can change until we make a conscience effort to change our mind.

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  7. I can relate so much to this post. It’s always the last couple of hours in the day when I lose control and set out to eat anything and everything. Thanks for sharing!

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  8. I can relate to this COMPLETELY. I have been struggling recently, after several months of being really on-point with my food and exercise routines. It’s so frustrating to have a part of your brain saying “NO NO NO NO STOP STOP STOP!” while your hands and stomach and the rest of your brain say “Yeah, right after this hamburger.” Yesterday I ate EVERYTHING. Like everything. And it wasn’t the first day. I, like you, knew it had to stop (long before I actually stopped, I might add) but kept eating through the end of the day. Yesterday I was so bloated and full I felt sweaty and sick, and I still ate a banana nut muffin with margarine before bed. Then a big glass of milk to wash it down! I woke up this morning SO MAD. I have been working my ASS OFF (literally!) trying to lose weight and get fit and find some real health in my life– but, like you, life got the better of me and I let my emotions control my stomach. It’s hard. Emotional eating is HARD. I don’t think people give it enough credit– bingeing is some part intentional, as in sure– we may START OUT making a conscious choice to eat some triggering food, but then, it’s chemical. It’s addiction. I’m starting to see in myself that I’m going to have to make some really hard choices and make some sacrifices that part of me doesn’t want to admit are necessary. I think, like you, when I binge, I can’t stop mostly because the foods are so Unsatisfying! My body knows it’s crap food, and it doesn’t satiate the MENTAL and EMOTIONAL craving– so it just persists. Hmmm. I need to write about this. Thanks for posting this blog and the earlier bingeing blog. You’re not alone, but recognizing it and trying to figure out how to stop it BEFORE it begins is the best defense! We’ll over come!

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  9. Pingback: Transformation Tuesday | Imre Çeçen

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